Over the past nearly 4 weeks, my emotions have been on a roller coaster. I went from shock to overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from other believers in our community to peace from God to shock again from the determination of arson to exhaustion to anger to coming back to God's arms.
Anger...I became very selfish at this point. I was becoming tired from going and going. I was used to having my Wednesday morning Bible study break with childcare for our kiddos and an occasional mom's morning out date with James. Now I had just lost both things. Ugh! I had kids all day everyday with no break and James was dealing with all that was going on a work, on top of all that he had just lost. I didn't want to expect him to do a lot more when he got home. James had not had a day off since the week before the fire. We are also trying to sell the house so there is the added pressure of keeping the house clean and ready for a showing. It was all too much and it hit all at once. I was so angry and I didn't want to pray and I didn't want read anything or hear anything about how I am a mom and there is a lot expected and it's ok if it doesn't get done...blah blah blah. I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep!
However God knows what I need. He allowed me to meet a sweet little boy at Taco Bell the Wednesday after the Arson news. Cooper was celebrating his 4th birthday with his grandparents. It was a normal looking party except that Cooper was bald because he had been through 5 rounds of chemotherapy and was preparing for a surgery in 2 days to remove what could be of a fist size tumor between his heart and lung and attached to his spinal chord. His chances of surviving neuroblastoma are not high. But there he was celebrating his birthday and playing with his toys. What in the world did I have to be sad for? Really? Because I didn't have a break? I am not fighting for my life...nor are my children. After that things started getting a lot better emotionally.